I'm Back from being lost.

Just had a little miss muffet moment - and I did not like it. Sitting here at the computer trying to figure out how to access my blog - a very big, big enough to count the legs, spider is crawling towards me over my day timer book. YUK YUK YUK! Yes I killed it and I'm watching for any friends he may have following him.

I had some trouble finding my way back into my blog account...but I did it!

These are such troubling times. It is hard not to spend a good chunk of everyday just being scared; not just for yourself, but for people you work with, your friends and family and people you don't know but hear about it. It is hard to know what to do about anything because it seems like everything and something is changing everyday....and so far, not so much for the good.

I guess the best most first thing I can do is keep my heart and eyes open, take care of myself and be there to take care of someone else. Fall is a time of slowing down, shedding and moving towards rest and renewal in anticipation of spring.

Wishing everyone reading has a glorious fall and blessings everyday.

Memories, Lovers and Friends

I am happy to say I have been blessed with all three in my 53 years!
My family would tell you that I don't remember half of the memories I have - which would be true. I'm not sure why, but I just have a bad memory. I'm not allowed to rent movies because half the time I don't recall if we've seen them or not. So the memories that I do have I know are pretty special or at least not traumatic.

Now lovers...them I have a better memory of! Being loved was always important to me. I don't think I was as good a lover as my lovers were. Mostly they were better at giving love than I. I was busy absorbing. I used to feel guilty about that, but now I look back and see that it was just me growing up. Can't feel guilty about that. One Christmas I had a party and invited all the old boyfriends I could find - how incredibly selfish that seems to me now looking back. But to be fair, my friends were mostly always boys. I did not get along well with girls....that I was a flirt may have had something to do with that. I would like to thank all the boys/men in my life who gave me their hearts and more - if I did not treat them gently and respectfully then, I do now and I am grateful and humbled of the love they showed me.

Friends - I have a handful. I did not cultivate friendships as I wish I had. I was so busy being, working, doing - that I wish I could go back and meet them again and this time take better care of them and our relationship. So imagine the absolute joy I have recently felt to have an old love and friend found again! We both have families, spouses, lives that seem quite different in a lot of ways and yet there is a connection for me that says Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you universe for bringing a friend back in to my life that in the past was such a big part of my life.

As is always the case, expectations may not match and the joy may last only long enough for them to find that I am not what they need or want in their life. And I am okay with that. I want to get to know old lovers, past friends in a way that opens up to new memories that include them, their lives now, their family, the people that are important to them....if the relationships I have now are not inclusive, I will settle with the memories and the gift of time that lets me tell them thank-you, you mattered in my life, there is a place for you in my heart always and wishes of joy to you forever. The chance to tell them that I've grown up and I know how much they gave and that I now know what a precious and selfless gift I was given.....That is the best gift of all. I think it is called peace.

What do I want when I grow up?

I'm 53 and 3/4's and I'm actually thinking about what it is that I want when I grow up. I don't remember ever thinking about that in those early years. When I was in high school and then my 20's I remember friends saying, " I want to be a teacher, or a lawyer, or a mother, or actor/actress. I don't remember saying anything like that except once when I said I wanted to be a nurse....then I took my first biology class at St. Benedict's college and that was the last time I said or did anything in that direction. I did graduate college 20 years later from another all girl college, St. Catherine's, but my major was communications. As far from math or science as I could get.

I quit college the first time, got a job, got married and had children, but that was what I wanted at that time....not something I set out to do as a goal. A little less impulse might have limited my life's' marriages to 1 instead of 2. I wanted more than the 2 great children I have, but I was not able to make that happen. Even 20 years ago my body was moving in directions I had no control over. I know for certain that I never said I wanted to grow up and work in the insurance industry for 35 years and yet that is where I am today. The pay and benefits have always been good and my responsibility in the family.

So what does a woman of my vintage want to be and to do when she grows up? I'm giving it some serious thought lately. Women don't buy sports car in mid-life, they think. I think a sports car would be easier and a quicker fix. But this woman is a fixer so she is thinking. So far I have decided I want to be relaxed and released. I want to be able to walk in the house and not see everything that needs to be done...or done over. I want to continue walking past all that with my shoulders relaxed and face smiling.... before the glass of wine to unwind.

I think I can accomplish relaxed and released. Next up, Passion. This is harder to find. So many of us women work so hard at the girlfriend, wife, mother, employee things that we don't stand in one spot long enough or quietly peaceful enough to hear our passion and it gets buried so deep you forget what it might have been and the deepest you can see yourself from is the gray hair or the jeans that don't zip.

So that is where I'm starting from, my outside in. I'm going to get comfortable with the woman in the mirror. Decide and acknowledge that she is worthwhile and someone I could really like and have fun with. There are so many layers to dig through, but I remember that when I was younger, for me, the best most fun was almost always in getting there, wherever there was. So even if I don't find my passion before quitting time, I will put my energy and joy into the journey. Maybe the journey is my passion. Maybe what I am meant to do is to relax, release and play. That sounds okay to me....
It's about damn time.

Weighting and Watching.

A not so great last couple days. Feeling fat....because I am fat. I'm not whining, I weigh 215 lbs. and it feels like about 250 lbs. This is the time that you feel like you don' now where to start. Seems like a walk a day is not gonna make a dent. You go grocery shopping and everything looks like the enemy. I sit down after work and watch a little TV and unwind. Then dinner is ready - 7 or 8 p.m. with a glass of wine and then more sitting and later maybe some ice cream. Then it is off to bed. No sex. Not sleeping well or through the night.

So a little room for improvement? Well hell ya. So what is my breaking hit bottom point? 250 lbs, 300 lbs. and why do I not think I am worth it? I know I will live better, maybe longer if I loose 60 lbs.. The big question - why don't I make the effort, the sacrifice?

Gotta talk to myself and rally up. Anyone out there with me?

Spring in my Step!

A year ago we were post accident only a couple weeks when Easter arrived. What a difference a year makes. Last year we weren't able to go to church (could not even get out of bed - forget out of the house or in a car!) or cook a dinner (really were not eating well yet so cooking was not on our radar) and I don't remember seeing my outside Easter Hyacintha bloom. I remember the pain and the fear. If it was a nice day I did not notice. We are still struggling with many things, but this year we did celebrate Easter and we did see the beauty in the day. I went to church, cooked dinner, hugged my husband and my kids, saw my beautiful purple flower bloom and was overwhelmed with Thanks and Gratitude to be here in 2009.

Spring and Easter is my favorite time of year. It's the promise of new life, the opportunity to bloom and feel the warmth of the sun and the chill of a spring rain. I wish we did not have to have the accident, but having walked that path, my eyes and my heart are both a little wider and fuller.

Attitude, Attitude, Attitude!

The last few days and nights have been tough. The most peaceful place, unlikely as it seems, has been work. At work I just work. Nothing creeps in. I check off the to-do list on my desk calendar and at the end of the day I leave. Simple as that.

Home has not been as peaceful. Monday - the house is a mess. I was in and out and gone all weekend at a professional convention.It was a positive and energizing time; but, I had left piles of clothes and shoes and papers on top of the weekly dust and grime. So I cleaned. 3 hours of angry cleaning.
Tuesday - feeling a tiny bit better, but I pass a mirror and see the really fat person I have ballooned to this past year. I write out Easter cards to family and friends. By 10 I am in bed crying and sad and lonely. Very lonely. Wednesday - it is still early. I am not as sad. I am still fat. And I am really tired from the stress of the last couple days.

So on my bus trip to work this morning I decided that since I can't drop 60 pounds overnight, can't clean the house, tidy the yard, do the laundry, read all the unfinished books and write the letters I want all in a few hours after a day at work....I can consider my attitude. My attitude might just be the friend that makes me a little less lonely, gives me a shot of encouragement and a window of hope.

So I am going to start with my attitude. First, not going to say anything negative about my husband. Second, not going to say anything negative about my self (that will be harder). Third, I am going to take some time to contemplate and consider and dream of what it is that I want for this life while appreciating the life I have at this moment.

We will see if I can let attitude help me out of the sad that I find myself in and out of too often.

1st CAMPFIRE - Blazingly Beautiful!

You never know what it is that you teach your kids. You know what you think you are teaching them. The glorious surprise you get when they are grown and living in their own home and you can sit as a guest on the furniture they moved with them is about the best miracle gift next to having become their parents. My son and his girl had their first campfire last night and we were invited. It was supposed to have been the night before, but the first day of spring rain pushed the event to the gloriously beautiful 2nd day of spring.

The week before we were helping him set up his new washing machine (which he researched and bought on his own - which is so much a bigger purchase than expensive tequila or a new cat toy for Crush their kitten) and Rodney (my husband - his dad) was lamenting that he should have shown and taught him more house-tool-car-fixit kind of stuff.

Sitting at his campfire we learned something about what we really taught him. He and Nikki had gone grocery shopping, $100 each and he was telling us about the chicken they bought - with pride. Grocery shopping was a family event for us - still is. We liked roaming the isles, finding new things and buying more than we would use. Later shopping trips would have Mic lecturing us on the necessity of organic - he would be proud to know that we have adopted much of what he taught us.

Mic asked if we had seen Crush and his new toys. I love his cat Crush. We have had pets - furry family members really - since before Mic and his sister Chrissy were born. There are family pictures with all of them and we have the backyard cemetery for the gerbils, iguana and fish and the boxes of remains of cats and dogs.

Earlier in the day he wanted a rake. I know I had not taught him to rake, but I raked, and we jumped in leaves and made a path to the front door with leaves at Halloween.

So the first clear, warmish 2nd day of spring he throws a campfire. He stacks the wood, clears the fire pit and places logs for sitting around it. When we arrive the fire is perfect. It is beautiful. His friends are there, his girl next to him, his sister and brother-in-law and us - Mom and Dad.

Here's what we really taught him - grocery shopping is family fun, a big yard is a necessity, your friends will be there, cats and dogs are family, campfires are blazingly beautiful. We went home at a parent appropriate hour, proud and happy. We did good. Kids really just need you to love them, love yourself, love your everyday life....and when they grow up, they will too.