Memories, Lovers and Friends

I am happy to say I have been blessed with all three in my 53 years!
My family would tell you that I don't remember half of the memories I have - which would be true. I'm not sure why, but I just have a bad memory. I'm not allowed to rent movies because half the time I don't recall if we've seen them or not. So the memories that I do have I know are pretty special or at least not traumatic.

Now lovers...them I have a better memory of! Being loved was always important to me. I don't think I was as good a lover as my lovers were. Mostly they were better at giving love than I. I was busy absorbing. I used to feel guilty about that, but now I look back and see that it was just me growing up. Can't feel guilty about that. One Christmas I had a party and invited all the old boyfriends I could find - how incredibly selfish that seems to me now looking back. But to be fair, my friends were mostly always boys. I did not get along well with girls....that I was a flirt may have had something to do with that. I would like to thank all the boys/men in my life who gave me their hearts and more - if I did not treat them gently and respectfully then, I do now and I am grateful and humbled of the love they showed me.

Friends - I have a handful. I did not cultivate friendships as I wish I had. I was so busy being, working, doing - that I wish I could go back and meet them again and this time take better care of them and our relationship. So imagine the absolute joy I have recently felt to have an old love and friend found again! We both have families, spouses, lives that seem quite different in a lot of ways and yet there is a connection for me that says Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you universe for bringing a friend back in to my life that in the past was such a big part of my life.

As is always the case, expectations may not match and the joy may last only long enough for them to find that I am not what they need or want in their life. And I am okay with that. I want to get to know old lovers, past friends in a way that opens up to new memories that include them, their lives now, their family, the people that are important to them....if the relationships I have now are not inclusive, I will settle with the memories and the gift of time that lets me tell them thank-you, you mattered in my life, there is a place for you in my heart always and wishes of joy to you forever. The chance to tell them that I've grown up and I know how much they gave and that I now know what a precious and selfless gift I was given.....That is the best gift of all. I think it is called peace.