What do I want when I grow up?

I'm 53 and 3/4's and I'm actually thinking about what it is that I want when I grow up. I don't remember ever thinking about that in those early years. When I was in high school and then my 20's I remember friends saying, " I want to be a teacher, or a lawyer, or a mother, or actor/actress. I don't remember saying anything like that except once when I said I wanted to be a nurse....then I took my first biology class at St. Benedict's college and that was the last time I said or did anything in that direction. I did graduate college 20 years later from another all girl college, St. Catherine's, but my major was communications. As far from math or science as I could get.

I quit college the first time, got a job, got married and had children, but that was what I wanted at that time....not something I set out to do as a goal. A little less impulse might have limited my life's' marriages to 1 instead of 2. I wanted more than the 2 great children I have, but I was not able to make that happen. Even 20 years ago my body was moving in directions I had no control over. I know for certain that I never said I wanted to grow up and work in the insurance industry for 35 years and yet that is where I am today. The pay and benefits have always been good and my responsibility in the family.

So what does a woman of my vintage want to be and to do when she grows up? I'm giving it some serious thought lately. Women don't buy sports car in mid-life, they think. I think a sports car would be easier and a quicker fix. But this woman is a fixer so she is thinking. So far I have decided I want to be relaxed and released. I want to be able to walk in the house and not see everything that needs to be done...or done over. I want to continue walking past all that with my shoulders relaxed and face smiling.... before the glass of wine to unwind.

I think I can accomplish relaxed and released. Next up, Passion. This is harder to find. So many of us women work so hard at the girlfriend, wife, mother, employee things that we don't stand in one spot long enough or quietly peaceful enough to hear our passion and it gets buried so deep you forget what it might have been and the deepest you can see yourself from is the gray hair or the jeans that don't zip.

So that is where I'm starting from, my outside in. I'm going to get comfortable with the woman in the mirror. Decide and acknowledge that she is worthwhile and someone I could really like and have fun with. There are so many layers to dig through, but I remember that when I was younger, for me, the best most fun was almost always in getting there, wherever there was. So even if I don't find my passion before quitting time, I will put my energy and joy into the journey. Maybe the journey is my passion. Maybe what I am meant to do is to relax, release and play. That sounds okay to me....
It's about damn time.

Weighting and Watching.

A not so great last couple days. Feeling fat....because I am fat. I'm not whining, I weigh 215 lbs. and it feels like about 250 lbs. This is the time that you feel like you don' now where to start. Seems like a walk a day is not gonna make a dent. You go grocery shopping and everything looks like the enemy. I sit down after work and watch a little TV and unwind. Then dinner is ready - 7 or 8 p.m. with a glass of wine and then more sitting and later maybe some ice cream. Then it is off to bed. No sex. Not sleeping well or through the night.

So a little room for improvement? Well hell ya. So what is my breaking hit bottom point? 250 lbs, 300 lbs. and why do I not think I am worth it? I know I will live better, maybe longer if I loose 60 lbs.. The big question - why don't I make the effort, the sacrifice?

Gotta talk to myself and rally up. Anyone out there with me?

Spring in my Step!

A year ago we were post accident only a couple weeks when Easter arrived. What a difference a year makes. Last year we weren't able to go to church (could not even get out of bed - forget out of the house or in a car!) or cook a dinner (really were not eating well yet so cooking was not on our radar) and I don't remember seeing my outside Easter Hyacintha bloom. I remember the pain and the fear. If it was a nice day I did not notice. We are still struggling with many things, but this year we did celebrate Easter and we did see the beauty in the day. I went to church, cooked dinner, hugged my husband and my kids, saw my beautiful purple flower bloom and was overwhelmed with Thanks and Gratitude to be here in 2009.

Spring and Easter is my favorite time of year. It's the promise of new life, the opportunity to bloom and feel the warmth of the sun and the chill of a spring rain. I wish we did not have to have the accident, but having walked that path, my eyes and my heart are both a little wider and fuller.

Attitude, Attitude, Attitude!

The last few days and nights have been tough. The most peaceful place, unlikely as it seems, has been work. At work I just work. Nothing creeps in. I check off the to-do list on my desk calendar and at the end of the day I leave. Simple as that.

Home has not been as peaceful. Monday - the house is a mess. I was in and out and gone all weekend at a professional convention.It was a positive and energizing time; but, I had left piles of clothes and shoes and papers on top of the weekly dust and grime. So I cleaned. 3 hours of angry cleaning.
Tuesday - feeling a tiny bit better, but I pass a mirror and see the really fat person I have ballooned to this past year. I write out Easter cards to family and friends. By 10 I am in bed crying and sad and lonely. Very lonely. Wednesday - it is still early. I am not as sad. I am still fat. And I am really tired from the stress of the last couple days.

So on my bus trip to work this morning I decided that since I can't drop 60 pounds overnight, can't clean the house, tidy the yard, do the laundry, read all the unfinished books and write the letters I want all in a few hours after a day at work....I can consider my attitude. My attitude might just be the friend that makes me a little less lonely, gives me a shot of encouragement and a window of hope.

So I am going to start with my attitude. First, not going to say anything negative about my husband. Second, not going to say anything negative about my self (that will be harder). Third, I am going to take some time to contemplate and consider and dream of what it is that I want for this life while appreciating the life I have at this moment.

We will see if I can let attitude help me out of the sad that I find myself in and out of too often.